Let’s talk about how people romanticize pregnancy.
Pregnancy is not all kicks and giggles. It is all not cute maternity clothes and adorable little humans wearing name brand clothing with perfect lighting. It is LITERALLY blood, sweat, and tears and we are now going to talk about some of things you may forget about when you think about having a darling little angel of your own.
PART ONE: PREGNANCY.
Morning sickness: JKLOL. IT’S NOT JUST IN THE MORNING. IT IS MORE LIKE ALL THE TIME SICKNESS. YOU ARE BASICALLY GROWING THE HUMAN FLU.
Stretch marks: Some people don’t get them (we hate those people), but other people start to look like a new species. And those suckas don’t go away.
Swollen feet: Your feet will swell like balloons. They can swell to be a shoe size bigger than they were pre-pregnancy. AND SOMETIMES, THEY DON’T UNSWELL AFTER CHILDBIRTH. SAY GOODBYE TO YOUR CUTE PRE-PREGNANCY KICKS.
Weight gain: You basically gain weight everywhere. Your butt, your boobs, you face, your fingers, your pinkie toe. It isn’t pretty. You don’t don’t look glamorous like you belong in a highly photoshopped maternity shoot photo off of Pinterest: you just look fat.
Baby growth: There is a freaking alien thing growing inside your uterus. Once it gets big enough, it will punch you in spleen, wedge itself under your ribs, and then it will cozy up right on top of your bladder making you have to pee every ten minutes (you quickly learn to locate bathrooms when entering a public place or otherwise).
Sleep: WHAT’S THAT?! Picture this. You are laying in bed. You are getting drowsy. You close your eyes and are about to drift off WHEN A SQUIRREL STARTS TO HAVE A DISCO PARTY IN YOUR STOMACH. And if your baby isn’t going all kung-foo fighter in your uterus, you are probably up peeing anyway.
Hormones: THEY MAKE YOU WANT TO KILL PEOPLE. If you aren’t plotting someone’s death because they ate all of the moose tracks ice cream and cheez-its, you are probably in a puddle on the floor crying because your husband looked at you wrong or told you “you’re starting to look really pregnant.” Hormones can turn your hair a different texture and it can cause TERRIBLE acne.
PART TWO: THE BIRTHING EXPERIENCE.
(THE BIG ONE) Birth: You think birth is this miraculous event; actually, it is possibly the most violent thing you are ever going to experience. Squeezing a cylindrical object averaging 14 inches in circumference out of your vagina (and that is just the head) is quite traumatic. Birth, more often than not, causes vaginal tearing that has to be sutured. If that isn’t great enough, while there are many health professionals (and possibly your friends and family) scoping out the entirety of your genitals, there is a pretty good chance you are going to have a nice BM, bowel movement, while assisting your spawn…ahem…I mean, precious cherub out of your birthing canal. Once you have delivered the screaming, seven pound meatloaf out of your vaginal cavity, you might think you are done. LOLJK. YOU GET TO DELIVER THE PLACENTA YOUR BABY HAS BEEN FEASTING ON THE PAST NINE MONTHS. And if you want to follow tradition, YOU CAN FEAST ON IT TOO, BECAUSE IT JAMMED PACKED WITH NUTRIENTS FROM YOUR OWN BODY.
PART THREE: YOUR POST-BIRTH BODY AND NEW BABY.
Hemorrhoids: You have just spent 12-18 hours with an enormous amount of pressure on the nether regions of your body. An increase of pressure that large can cause hemorrhoids, varicose veins in your rectum which can swell to the size of a grape.
Boobs: Your once happy and perky breasts are no longer existent. Within three to four days of having your new bundle of joy, the breast milk fairy will visit you and you will get to enjoy the pleasure of engorged breasts and a little leach-like creature hanging off you every hour to four hours sucking you dry. Your breasts will never be the same again. The constant feeding will make your nipples hurt just as bad as your baby’s diaper rash. AND JUST WAIT UNTIL YOUR CHILD GROWS TEETH.
Sleep: You are probably getting less sleep than ever before, because of what I have mentioned above.That little sucker (literally and figuratively speaking) is going to want to eat all through the night. Your baby will probably develop a sense of the circadian rhythm when it is around two to four months old, but some don’t sleep through the night until they are TWELVE MONTHS OLD. THAT IS A YEAR, PEOPLE.
Baby’s bodily fluids: Your baby will project all possible body fluids on to you at some point in its infancy. Blood, feces (solid and otherwise), urine, mucus, vomit. Start preparing mentally for that now.
It is our biological nature to think babies are adorable and it is not wrong to want to continue our species and have a kid or thirteen of your own, but we also need to remember that having a baby is a lot of hard work and responsibility. It will change your body and more importantly, your life FOREVER, so remember this the next time you fantasize about having a baby, being a mom, and how “perf” it is going to be.
Ella and Jadi.